Professor Snape's Advice Column
by severussnape922
Summary: Professor Snape has, after much protest, agreed to answer your questions. So, fire away! Reader participation strongly encouraged.
1. Professor Severus Snape's letter

Dear idiotic and good-for-nothing readers,

Greetings. I am Professor Severus Snape , Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. If you are wondering why I even started this advice column, it is all because of that reprehensible Headmaster of Hogwarts, who forced me into writing this damn blasted column 'to get closer to my students'. What a ridiculous suggestion. I think the students have enough detention from me to get 'close enough to me'.

However, I still have to obey the Headmaster's orders. Hence, I feel that it is extremely unfortunate that Professor Albus Dumbledore has forced me to take an Unbreakable Vow that I would ' truthfully, fully, and answer without any delay' your moronic questions. I have also sworn not to 'harm any of you disgusting students in any way, either bodily or emotionally, if you send in your questions to me'. (Imagine Professor Snape gritting his teeth as he writes this paragraph.)

I have a warning to give out to all students. If any of you _dare_ to send in questions concerning my personal life, especially my love life, I will guarantee that I will search unceasingly for a loophole in the Unbreakable Vow that will allow me to make your death as slow and painful as possible. Your death, for your information, will include the Cruciatus Curse. Which will be cast repeatedly. That should be enough warning to make you students avoid that topic.

(If any of you students send in any suggestions on how to murder the Headmaster without leaving any trace, I will be indebted to you for life, and 300 points will go to your house. Yes, even _Gryffindor_ is included.) _N.B. The bracketed words in the paragraph above were hastily scribbled over with a narrow and loopy handwriting that says," Professor Snape is presently... __**unavailable. **__Please send in your questions, and Professor Snape will answer them to the best of his ability.)_

Owl in your questions to Professor Snape's study, and the answers will be in the Hogwarts school newspaper by next Tuesday.

Yours sincerely,

Professor S. Snape

Post Script: If any of you idiots get hurt in any possible way by my sarcastic and unfeeling responses, I am completely not held responsible, as it is none of my business. Go to Madam Pomfrey instead. So there.

_**Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. I do not earn any profit from writing this.**_


	2. Swetz Rowe's letter

(Professor Snape's letter was followed by another letter)

Dear Readers,

I am Swetz Rowe, and I am Professor Severus Snape's personal scribe for this advice column.

To be honest, I do not know what possessed me to take a job as Professor Snape's personal scribe. His replies are guaranteed to be so sarcastic, I will need to take a two-month holiday every time I write each column..._No offence meant, Professor Snape! _(Swetz eyes Severus nervously.)

If you are annoyed with Severus's answers, take it out on _him _(points at an absolutely livid Professor Snape with a trembling finger) rather than _me._

Err... got to dash! Professor Snape is seriously angry with me now!(Swetz ran as fast as his legs could take him as Severus screamed at him,'_Sectumsempra!'_ and '_Crucio!')_

Yours sincerely,

Swetz Rowe

P.S. **HEEEEEEEELP!** Severus caught up with me! _Eeeeeeeeeeeek!_

_Editor's note: Swetz survived the experience. Barely. You most certainly do not want to know what happened to Swetz. Yes, you really do not want to. Really. I mean it. It would give you nightmares for one month._


	3. Questions to Professor Snape (1)

It is me, Professor Snape. I, strangely enough, _particularly _enjoyed reading some of the questions that you sniveling excuses for Hogwarts students sent to me. Without further ado, let us start with the first question - Severus Snape

Dear Snape,

Why did the editor of _The Hogwarts Weekly_ refuse to go into details about what happened to poor Swetz? Could you give us the details instead? I would love to hear all the juicy details!

Yours sincerely,

An Inquisitive Year-Five Ravenclaw

Dear Inquisitive,

The editor actually refused to go into details about what I did to the moronic wreck Rowe? The editor is in for a _very, very, very _nasty surprise!

Anyway, I tied Rowe to a chair full of pins sticking out of it. Rowe screamed in agony so loudly, he very nearly broke the Silencing Charm that I had put on my private chambers. Next, I Cruciated him for _at least _20 times. I assure you, the scene was not a pretty sight. After that, I offered him some Pain-Relieving Potions to Rowe. The jerk actually drank it down! ( For your information, it was actually Veritaserum.) Stupid Rowe answered to all my personal questions, including those concerning his love life. I made sure I recorded it down.

When the Veritaserum finally ceased to work, I played it out to Rowe to hear. He begged at me on his knees not to release this out to everyone. Trust me, Rowe very nearly died of misery and shame. I enjoyed every single second of it.

Yours sincerely,

**_Professor_** Snape

Dear Greasy old git,

Do you ever wash your greasy hair? We are certain that it is so oily, it is possible to fry an egg on it! Muahahahahahaha...

Yours insincerely,

The Twin Troublemakers

Dear Twin,

Mr Weasley and Mr Weasley, detention at my dungeons tonight. You will be pickling dragon livers. You will be also helping that oaf Hagrid tend to what he calls 'Blast-Ended Skrewts.'

Yours equally insincerely,

_**Professor**** Snape **_

Dear Professor Snape,

Why do you hate Gryffindors so much? There is nothing wrong with the Gryffindors! Or is it because Gryffindors remind you of Lily Evans?

Yours truly,

True Slytherin at Heart

Dear True,

I do not believe that you are a Slytherin, as all self-respecting Slytherins know that Gryffindors are clearly very much inferior to us Slytherins. I do not _hate_ Gryffindors, I _loathe _them. There is a distinct difference. And if I find out who you are, I will personally throttle you, as I have clearly stated in my earlier letter that I do not condone any references to my love life. You will suffer a very slow and painful death. Be very afraid.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snapey-kins,

I find a certain sarcastic and cruel Potions Master very ..._ enthralling_. You know what I mean. Any suggestions as to how to win him over and make him date with me?

Hugs and kisses,

IlurveSnape

Dear IlurveSnape,

Buzz off. I have no wish to get close to the likes of people such as you. As my black robes clearly show, I am in mourning. Period.

**_Yours sincerely,_**

**_Professor Snape_ **


	4. Questions to Professor Snape (2)

Dear Readers,

Here I am again. And not by choice. Now, I will quickly answer your questions, as I have 'D's and detentions to hand out to Potter and his pathetic sidekicks.-Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I have three questions to ask you. I hope that you will not take house points off me for being impertinent.

Firstly, how the heck to you make your cloak and robes billow like that? I find it so freakin' cool!

Secondly, there are rumors flying around the school that you are a vampire. Are they true?

Thirdly, how do you celebrate Christmas? I mean, with you tending to be a recluse and all that...

Yours sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

If I track you down, I will take 200 points off you and give you detention with me everyday until when you graduate from Hogwarts for being impertinent You have been warned.

1. I wear cloaks that are 5 sizes too big for me. I find that it adds considerably to my mysterious air.

2. I did not realize that the Hogwarts students think that I am a vampire. Perhaps it has something to do with my dressing habits?

3. I do not celebrate Christmas at all. I find it far too cheery an occasion for my liking.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snape,

What would you do if you found out that Harry Potter was your son? I mean, I just wondered...

Yours sincerely,

Potterrocks

Dear Potterrocks,

That was the worst pen name you could think up of! Change your damn pen name ASAP. Or else...

If you want to know what I would do to slimy Potter, read the last column on what I did to Rowe. Repeat a 100 times. When he finally dies, I will grate him into extremely fine pieces and use them to bake myself a cake. For, _'the taste of victory_', but literally.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor,

If you had to choose, which one of the Marauders would you hate most? And, if you had no choice, which one of the Marauders would you want as your friend?

Yours sincerely,

Extremely Anonymous

Dear Extremely, ( Not that you deserve the Dear)

Thirty points from your house for being an irritating tick! However, I would hate James Potter the most. He very nearly drove me to insanity when I was a Hogwarts student. Sirius Black comes as an _extremely _close second.

If I had to choose which one I wanted as my friend... it would be Peter Pettigrew. He is such a whiny and wimpy person, it is easy to bully that moron.

Yours insincerely,

Professor _Snape_

Dear Professor Snape,

Do the Death Eaters have any hobbies? I mean, other than torturing and all that...

Yours sincerely,

Curious Slytherin

Dear Curious,

Yes, the Death Eaters do have some weird hobbies. Bellatrix runs around Riddle Mansion screaming while in her pink pyjamas. Personally, I am inclined to think that Azkaban's Dementors still have an effect on _dear _Bellatrix. ( And Bellatrix, if you read this, serves you right on doubting my loyalty to the Dark Lord!)

Lucius has opened a sweet shop named,' Lucius's Luscious Sweets!' Yes, I know the name sounds pretty weird. But anyway, if you ever encounter his sweet shop, DO NOT buy anything. St. Mungo's has encountered a dramatic spike in children in the emergency ward ever since he opened the sweet shop.

Crabbe and Goyle do not have any hobbies at all, seeing that their intelligence matches a troll.

The Dark Lord keeps an extensive collection of fluffy bunny slippers. And he catalogues them every other day.

So, you see, Death Eaters have an extensive range of hobbies, some of them downright weird. Hope you enjoyed it!

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor,

Are you an Animagus? And what Animagus would you like to be if you had the choice?

Yours sincerely,

A Confuzzled Hufflepuff

Dear Confuzzled,

No, I am _not _an Animagus. Who was the moronic jerk who told you that?

But if I had the choice... I would be a tiger, as they are swift, ruthless, and savage-which complements with my character perfectly.

Yours sincerely,

Professor **Snape**

PS. Why do people find it so difficult to spell 'Snape'? It is only a five-letter word! After this warning, anyone who sends in a letter without,'Snape' will find themselves hanging by their ankles on the dungeon wall. I mean it.


	5. Questions to Professor Snape (3)

Dear Readers,

I see that the warning that I have issued in the last column was fairly successful. Note the usage of _fairly. _I want it to stay that way. Or you will suffer my displeasure. -Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Do you like any sweets? I mean, Professor Dumbledore likes sweets a lot, especially Muggle ones, so I thought that you might like sweets too...

Yours truly,

Kino

Dear Kino,

No. I** DO NOT **like any sweets. Especially _not _the horrible Muggle ones (ie. Sherbet lemons and lemon drops) Whatever gave you the terrible idea! The Headmaster insists on shoving sweets down my throat while I gag in horror. ( Headmaster, if you ever read this, get the obvious hint and stop offering me those idiotic sweets.)

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Severus, how could you tell everyone about my hobby of collecting fluffy bunny slippers? You will be punished severely in the next Death Eater meeting. I will 'shove sherbet lemons down your throat', as you so aptly put it.

By the way, Bellatrix is mad at you. Severus, I suggest that you wear armour to the next Death Eater meeting. The consequences would be dire for you otherwise.

-The Dark Lord

Dear Dark Lord,

I had no choice! I had to answer the questions truthfully, I would be killed instantly! I doubt that you would want your most faithful servant to be dead.

I am deeply grateful for the suggestion that you gave me. I will be wearing armour to the next Death Eater meeting. Once again, _thank you!_

Yours most faithfully,

Your servant Severus Tobias Snape

Dear Potions Dude who's name I've forgotten,

What's your name again? I forgot it within three seconds of your class because there was a rumour saying that you have a set of Neville's grandmother's clothes. Is it true?

-Totally a Slytherin

PS. DEATH TO SLYTHERINS! Oops...

Dear Idiotic Moronic Jerk of a so-called Slytherin,

You idiotic student have a death wish. I have never been so insulted in my life! My name is _**PROFESSOR SNAPE! **_I know perfectly well that you are not a Slytherin, as only pathetic Gryffindors saw that Boggart. I suggest that you get a pair of extra-strong reading glasses and re-read the two previous columns. Or maybe there is no need to. Once I track you down, (which will be very soon), you will join Lupin and Longbottom who are presently chained by their ankles to the dungeon walls. I assure you that you won't be getting out of the chains in a hurry. And once I tire of your incessant screams, you will not see the next sunset.

-Professor Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Why are you such a biased teacher? You never take points from Slytherin, but always take points from other houses, especially Gryffindor! I protest!

Yours unfaithfully,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I will not deign to reply to your question. Fifty points from Gryffindor, and you will join the wimp called 'Totally a Slytherin' on the dungeon wall.

Yours insincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Are you in a romantic relationship with any of the teachers? And if you had to choose, which teacher would you want to have a relationship with?

Yours sincerely,

A smirking Gryffindor

Dear Gryffindor,

50 more points from Gryffindor. And detention with me until the end of the term. But I have to answer to your questions, so...

1. NOOOOOOOOO! I am _not _in a relationship with any of the teachers.

2. And neither do I want to get into a relationship of any sort with the teachers.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape


	6. Questions to Professor Snape (4)

Dear Readers,

It is me, Swetz. Errrrr... 'Totally a Slytherin' and 'Anonymous', I suggest that you get out of range of Professor Snape pretty quickly. He is in a towering rage right now at being unable to get his hand on both of you and strangle you. _Oooerrrr... _Professor Snape just caught me writing this! _Heeeeeelllllp!_

Dear Readers,

I strongly encourage you _not _to ask me about the fate of Rowe, on pain of death.-Severus Snape

Dear Evil Dudette who enjoys locking people up in dungeons,  
In case you're wondering, I'm dictating this to a friend outside the dungeon. Please ignore any sounds from the dungeon.  
If you are wondering why the use of the word 'dudette', here are my reasons...  
1. You have black, greasy, long hair.  
2. You wore Neville's grandmother's clothes  
See? So, are you a boy are a girl?  
-GRYFFINDORS RULEZ

Dear RULEZ,

I believe that you are the same person as 'Totally a Slytherin' . If I get my hands on you...(the sound of teeth gnashing was heard from the dungeons)

I will answer your questions, you _bastard,_ not because I want to but I have to. I am neither. I am, as students say,' The cruel overgrown bat that lives in the dungeons.' Get the message, you git?

Good. Once I get my hands on you, you will suffer an even worse fate than stupid Rowe.

- Professor Severus Snape

PS. I did not add your blasted post script because it insulted me even worse than your last crazy letter.(And that's saying something.)

Dear Professor Snape,

Why do you always wear black robes? Meaning no disrespect, but it is getting rather boring after some time.

Yours sincerely,

Winny

Dear Winny,

I wear black robes because I am in mourning, as I have clearly stated in my earlier columns. For eternity. 20 points from Gryffindor for being an annoying little tick.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Ex-Death Eater, (Or so they say)

Could you murder my friend Cho Chang for me, _pleeeeease? _She has been crying so frequently lately, I have not worn dry robes since a month ago. I only dare to ask you this as you were/are a Death Eater.

Yours sincerely,

An Irritated Ravenclaw

Dear Irritated,

Are you sure that there was no glitch with the Sorting Hat when it Sorted you? You sound exactly like a perfect Slytherin! I cannot, no matter how much I want to, murder all the dunderheads in Hogwarts as I would go to Azkaban for it, which is not a pleasant thought. I suggest that you spike her evening pumpkin juice with poison, and while she shrieks with pain, laugh all the way through manically. Good luck!

Yours sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

Dear Snivellous,

Do you even wash your hair? It is so greasy, it is possible to set fire to it!

-The Marauders

Dear Student who is asking for a slap in the face at this instant,

That is none of your business. You can join, 'Totally a Slytherin' and 'Anonymous' on the dungeon walls.

-**Professor Snape**

Dear Professor Snape,

Why has Professor Dumbledore always refused to let you take the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position? And why are you so interested in it anyway?

Yours sincerely,

A Confused Hufflepuff

Dear Confused,

30 points from your house for being rude to a professor. Hope that serves as a reminder for you to never ask this question(s) again.

1. I have completely no idea myself. If I knew why, I would go straight to the Headmaster and kill him.

2. I am interested in the position because I love the Dark Arts.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape


	7. Questions to Professor Snape (5)

Dear Readers,

Please do not send in any more letters concerning my hair. It is starting to get extremely irritating. If any of you students know who, 'Totally a Slytherin' , 'Anonymous', and 'The Marauders' are, please owl it to my study ASAP, as they are still at large. (At this point, Professor Snape turns redder than an overripe tomato). _400_ points will go to your house, and I will never treat you nastily ever again. - Severus Snape

Dear Smelly Sap,  
If you're going to be throwing people into the dungeons, you might as well expand it. How about a movie theatre? Oh yeah...Finding Nemo or The Little Mermaid?  
—Totally a Slytherin/ GRYFFINDORS RULEZ

Dear Dastard Moron,

Forget it. I am positively _not_ babysitting the people hanging by their ankles on the dungeon walls. It is supposed to be a punishment, not a treat. At any rate, how could they see a movie upside down? I imagine that they would grow rather dizzy after 10 minutes due to the blood rushing to their head. Your suggestion for a bigger dungeon will be taken into consideration, though. Whoever you idiot are, do not take this as a compliment. I only even considered the suggestion because it allows me to torment more people with pea-sized brains such as you.

60 points from Gryffindor for insulting me. Now, I am going to the Headmaster's study to ask him if he has any way to track you, 'Anonymous', and 'The Marauders'. I expect to see you wailing for mercy in a week or so while hanging by your ankles in the dungeons.

-Professor Severus Snape

(Professor Snape stomps off in a huff to Professor Dumbledore's office.)

Dear Severus,

How could you malign me by saying that I threaten you with sherbet lemons and lemon drops? They taste so wonderful, I cannot imagine for the world why you want to refuse my offer of sweets. If you do not like them, would you like a liquorice bootlace instead?

Anyway, Severus, I am thinking of making a Christmas present for you. Would you like a pink and purple polka-dotted tie, or would you like a bumper box of Muggle sweets? Please reply quickly, Christmas is coming soon.

Yours truly,

Professor Albus Dumbledore

Dear Albus,

If you cannot read my 'dear', it is because I am so annoyed with you that I am trembling. Isn't this advice column meant only strictly for students?

I do not want a pink and purple polka-dotted tie, and neither do I want a bumper box of Muggle sweets. You know perfectly well that I have no need for any ties, especially not ties that match your disgusting taste. I also _do not _want to see a single Muggle sweet, especially not a bumper box of them. If you send in any of the two, I will resign. As soon as is possible.

Yours sincerely,

Severus

Dear highly regarded Professor Snape,

You are my favourite teacher, and Potions is by far my favourite subject. I only have one question: When will we be learning about how to brew poisonous substances? ( Not that I want to use them but just in case.)

Yours sincerely,

Sixth-Year Ravenclaw, Potions Lover

Dear Potions Lover,

Thank you very much for your well-thought out letter. Finally there is a sensible one out of all the morons in Hogwarts!

I planned to teach you that at the next term, but because of your request, I will be teaching you about how to brew poisonous substances by the end of this week.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

_Dear _Professor Snape,

Stop sticking your overlarge nose into other people's business, as it is none of your business.

Yours un-sincerely,

Gred and Forge

Dear Gred and Forge,

Mr Weasley and Mr Weasley, I do _not_ remotely appreciate your horrible attempts in lacking humour. You will be joining the swelling ranks of the people hanging by their ankles in the dungeons tonight. I will relish and savour every single moment of it.

-**Professor Snape**

Dear Professor Snape,

If you had the choice to Cruciate either James Potter or Harry Potter, which one would you choose?

Yours sincerely,

A Sadistic Slytherin

Dear Sadistic,

Hmmmm... That's a rather difficult question to answer at best. However, if I really had to choose, it would be James Potter. _He _humiliated me completely while I was a Hogwarts student. Now that I am a Hogwarts Professor, I can humiliate _Harry Potter. _(Laughs evilly and smirks nastily.)

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

PS. I can tell that you are a true Slytherin, from the ingenuity of the question. Fifty points to Slytherin.


	8. Questions to Professor Snape (6)

Dear Readers,

All the idiotic people who have evaded the fate of being chained and hung by their ankles on the dungeon walls, it will not be for long. -Severus Snape

Dear Snivellous,

Does the dripping from your overlarge nose ruin your potions often, you slimeball?

Yours sarcastically,

Totally a Griffindor

Dear Griffindor,

Oh dear. In Gryffindor and you can't even spell your own house name! As to your question, the answer is N-O. Join your friends, 'Totally a Slytherin', 'Anonymous' and 'The Marauders' on the dungeon wall. And all the points left from Gryffindor for being an annoying tick and for your impertinence.

Equally sarcastically,

Professor Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Have you ever been in a love affair with Bellatrix? And what do you think of the Drarry (Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter) and Snarry (Severus Snape and Harry Potter) fanfictions?

Yours sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear annoying Anonymous,

I believe that you are one of the people who have evaded capture and getting hung by the ankles on the dungeon walls. So far.

1. I have _never, ever _have had a love affair with Bellatrix. And nor do I have any wish to, as she is an incredibly wicked woman with horribly twisted ideas, and she has about the same level of brainpower as you.

2. What a horribly disgusting idea! Draco hates Potter, and Potter hates Draco. It is better to distance the two of them, on fear of death. And _me _with _Potter? _Merlin forbid that. Thinking about it makes me feel faint. I would probably either die of shame, or commit suicide. Hurry up and send in the names of the authors who write those fanfictions, you bozo. I will Cruciate the lot.

-Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Why do you enjoy tormenting students so much? What have they done to insult you?

Yours sincerely,

Ravenclaw Gurl

PS. After this question, I hope that you will never ever treat students badly again. Or is that too much to hope for?

Dear Gurl,

I enjoy tormenting students, because I would otherwise go insane with teaching all the dunderheads. I would also be in Azkaban, not in Hogwarts, as I had Cruciated all the Hogwarts students except the Slytherins. Twenty points from Ravenclaw for asking such a moronic question.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

PS. You were right. It was too much to hope for. It is not my problem if students do not like it just because I am showing my true nature.

Dear Professor Snape,

Why do you treat poor Swetz Rowe so badly? He _is _your employee, after all!

Yours sincerely,

DPM

Dear DPM,

I treat Rowe badly because that idiot completely deserves it. His high pay of 50 Galleons a month entitles me to do that too. It is also in his 10,000 word long contract. Probably _dear _Rowe just skimmed through the contract without taking it in. It really serves Rowe right. Oh, and ten points from Gryffindor.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Are you in secret love with Harry Potter? Come on, don't bottle it up inside you and give us all the dirt about your relationship! (Takes out a Quick-Quotes Quill and gets ready to write to the _Daily Prophet. ) _

Yours,

Rita Skeeter

Dear Skeeter,

No. No, I am **NOT** in a secret relationship with Potter, who is the living proof that manure can grow legs and walk. I am not aware that I am bottling up any emotions, except possibly the urge to curse all the students into oblivion. Tell the _Daily Prophet _that. So there.

-Severus Snape


	9. Questions to Professor Snape (7)

Dear Readers,

Errrr... it's me, Swetz Rowe. I am writing in place of Professor Snape because Professor Snape is presently heavily drunk on firewhisky. He drank firewhisky in the first place because he is so frustrated with being unable to track down all of you who are supposed to be hanging by your ankles on the dungeon wall. He is only answering four questions instead of the usual five because he has a throbbing headache. I advise you to distance yourself from Professor Snape as he is even snappier and much more vindictive than usual.

Oh damnation... that's torn it! Due to the influence of firewhisky, Professor Snape's handwriting is barely legible. Now _I _shall be the one getting the headache with trying to read his handwriting... what a miserable day this is!

Yours sincerely,

Swetz Rowe

Dear Professor Snape,

It might interest you to know that 'Totally a Slytherin', also known as 'GRYFFINDORS RULEZ' is actually a Ravenclaw. SHE'S ME! YES! NOW GIVE RAVENCLAW 400 POINTS!

—Ω

Dear damned blasted person who does not even sign your idiotic name properly,

I need to know the full name of the person, you moron. Forget about the 400 points to Ravenclaw. However, I shall be Cruciating every single Ravenclaw soon to see which of those idiots is you. 50 points from Ravenclaw.

-Professor Snape

Dear idiot,

I'M NOT IN GRYFFINDOR!

-Totally a Griffindor

Dear Griffindor,

Like real. 40 points from Gryffindor.

-Professor Severus Snape

Dear highly regarded Professor Snape,

I would first and foremostly like to say thank you for making the brewing of poisonous substances unit earlier on in the term, I enjoyed the unit very much. My question to you for this letter is; if you could use only one of the potions in this topic on the (extremely annoying) Rita Skeeter, who very rudely asked you about a relationship with the manic Potter (I do NOT believe you do, just saying), which potion would it be?

Yours sincerely,

6th year Ravenclaw,  
Potions Lover

Dear Potions Lover,

I would give her a potion that would kill her extremely, _extremely, _slowly. She will also suffer pain that is even worse than the Cruciatus Curse. She will die two weeks later. The potion would also give her unbearable thirst and hunger that she cannot quench no matter how much she eats or drinks. She completely deserves that awful fate.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snape,

WHy ArE yOu SoOooOooOoooo AnnOyiINg?  
SeRiOusLy M8 WTH?

You'Ve GotTa LeArN TO ChILl DUdE!

HoW ARe yOU SuPpOsSEd To eND A lEtTEr?

FRoM,  
(CHiLleD OUt) RaVEnHufflEDOr  
(NO SLYTHERIN CUZ THEY SUCK)  
ps. yOU sucK TOo!

Dear idiot who is going to suffer a very slow and painful death very soon,

I am not remotely annoying. Just menacing. I do not need to chill out, as you put it. I am perfectly happy with the way that I am, thank you very much. And you are supposed to end a letter with,' Yours sincerely', 'Yours faithfully', 'Yours truly' or anything related to the stated three signoffs. 30 points each from Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor for irritating me with your horrible punctuation.

-Professor Snape

_Author's Note: Hope you like my advice column! Due to school, I will not be able to update so frequently for the next month or so. Just bear with me!:D Please review if you have the time. Also include in your reviews which question and answer you like most if possible. Once again, thank you for supporting my first fanfic!_

_Yours,_

_severussnape922_


	10. Questions to Professor Snape (8)

Dear Readers,

I am extremely elated that I have finally caught that idiot called, 'Totally a Slytherin' . He is presently screaming his head off while I am writing this. If you pass by my dungeons, please ignore any sounds from the dungeon. Those who are still at large, you will follow, 'Totally a Slytherin' 's example soon.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

PS. The capture of 'Totally a Slytherin' has put me in such a good mood, I will answer six of your moronic questions instead of five.

Dear Snapeykins,

Take all the points from Gryffindor you want, I don't care. I'm not one. I thought as a Slytherin you'd be harder to manipulate. Also, you have greasy hair and you smell.

Yours bitingly sarcastically,

Totally a 'Griffindor'

Dear idiotic Griffindor,

I am not convinced that you are not a Gryffindor. You are certainly not a Slytherin because all Slytherins revere me, the Head of House for Slytherin. You are not a Ravenclaw because no Ravenclaws in the right mind would even dare to talk behind my back, let alone insult me openly in a letter. You are obviously not a Hufflepuff because all the Hufflepuffs' minds are far too simple to be able to insult me. Forty more points from Gryffindor.

-Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I heard that you and James Potter hexed each other non-stop during your school days. What's the best curse you've cast on James?

From a student by the anonymous name,

"Amarantha"

Dear Amarantha,

Hmmm... Probably the best curse I've cast on James Potter was _Sectumsempra._ That big-headed idiot was only found by Professor Kettleburn three hours later. That idiot had lost so much blood, he stayed in the hospital wing for a week, and missed out on the upcoming Quidditch match. Slytherin flattened Gryffindor because their reserve Seeker sucked like hell. James Potter couldn't look at me in the face for weeks! I still smirk over that memory when I remember it.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

PS. Send me more of such interesting questions instead of your normally inane questions, and I guarantee that you will manage to worm your way into my good books soon.

Dear Snivelly,

Do you love Neville Longbottom's grandmother or what? Why do you have the same set of clothes as her?

Un-sincerely,

MeRockz

Dear idiotic moronic thick-headed jerk,

I prefer to address people accurately. So saying that you rock is out of the question.

If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times. When will you morons learn that I do not have the same set of clothes as Longbottom's grandmother!? I **DO NOT** love Longbottom's grandmother at all. Not a single bit. The so-called clothes that belonged to Longbottom's grandmother that was supposedly worn by _me _was actually a Boggart impersonating me. So, shut your traps up about this issue in the future. Fifty points from Gryffindor.

-Professor Severus Snape

Dear professor snape-

IF YOU CAN HEAL BLOODY INJURIES LIKE YOU DID TO MALFOY, WHY DID YOU NOT SAVE YOURSELF WHEN THE DARK LORD AVADA-WOTSIT-ED YOU? I hate you and all but seriously?

From,

An I'm-so-happy-that-snapes's-dead Gryffindor

Dear Gryffindor,

Where the ruddy heck did you come up with such a incredibly rude pen name? Change it promptly. I think that you would not prefer the dire consequences.

You are right in saying that I can heal injuries created by Dark Magic. However, you pathetically misinformed moron, the Dark Lord used Nagini to kill me. He most certainly did not use _Avada Kedavra _on me. Even though I do have antidotes for snake venom, do you think I have nothing better to do than to carry a stock of snake venom antidote everywhere? Fifty points from Gryffindor.

-_**Professor Snape**_

Dear Professor Snape,

Have you ever wanted to kill someone? If you had the chance, how would you carry this out? This may be for my own personal use and, could you please assist me in this duty?

Sincerely,

Uditha

Dear Uditha,

Read my previous column on what I would do to Harry Potter if I found out that the brat was my son. That should give you a general idea.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear honorable Professor Snape,

What would you do to Harry Potter if you could put the Imperius Curse on him?

Yours sincerely,

A faithful Slytherin

Dear Faithful,

I would first make him strangle himself until he was half dead in the Great Hall during breakfast while everyone was staring at him. Then make him suddenly scream, "I love you, Professor Snape!" After that, I will make him stand on the Slytherin table and do the Chicken Dance. Then, I will remove the Imperius Curse. I will then sit back, relax, and enjoy the show, so to speak. Oh, and fifty points to Slytherin.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape


	11. Questions to Professor Snape (9)

Dear Readers,

I am absolutely annoyed by 'Totally a Slytherin', who has astonishingly managed to get out of his chains. I shall be magically reinforcing the chains soon to ensure that no other imbecile will succeed in getting out of their chains any time soon. -Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Is it true that you were secretly in love with Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and James Potter?

Dear moron who does not even sign off your idiotic name,

Two words. **N-O** . That should suffice. Forty points from Gryffindor.

Yours insincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snakebitten Slimeball,

I resent your portrayal of the Hufflepuffs as idiotic. Cedric Diggory? No, I am not a Gryffindor. They are boneheaded morons. Why should I respect you, you got eaten by Nagini and helped Harry Potter win!

Yours sarcastically,

Totally a 'Griffindor'

Dear idiot,

I will not dignify this with a response. Fifty points from Hufflepuff.

-Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Do you have a girlfriend?

Yours sincerely,

(blank)

Dear friend of that idiot above,

The answer remains the same. And remember to shut your extremely large mouths about this type of sensitive topic next time you write to me. Thirty points from Gryffindor.

Yours _extremely _insincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snivellus,

*screams* You have sparked a rebellion against you! *screams again* The Dungeoners will not be beaten by the likes of you! We will rise and return, stronger than ever! And we will fight for our beliefs, abolishing the practise of throwing people into dungeons, and our teddy bears! VIVA LA REVOLUTION! *is cursed with a Tickling Charm*

~ Totally a Slytherin and The Dungeoners

Dear morons,

You make me laugh. I believe that you will be beaten by me any time soon. I don't care if I have sparked a rebellion against me. You are fighting a losing battle. So I _recommend _that you give up. Now, where did I put my horsewhips?

-Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I noticed that you (Professor Snape) have said that your clothes were black because "you are mourning". What or who are you morning? Is it your life? Then are you wearing black because you are grieving for your past or mourning your future?

Yours sincerely,

RD

Dear RD,

The answer is both. I am grieving for the past because I caused a certain person's death. I will not disclose names, but I assure you that the person was very dear to me. I am mourning for the future because I only see years of teaching moronic dunderheaded first years ahead of me. That is a horrible fate.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

_Author's Note: Sorry for the short update! However, I have written another story, entitled 'Surprises' just yesterday, so I was not really in the mood to write a long update. :P Please read 'Surprises' if you have the time. Hope you will enjoy the different writing style!_

_Yours sincerely,_

_severussnape922 _


	12. Questions to Professor Snape (10)

_Author's Note: Sorry for the darn looooooong wait (at least to you all). I was busy writing other stories. So... just read, review, and enjoy!_

_Yours faithfully,_

_severussnape922_

Dear Readers,

Stop bugging me with your irritating-like-hell questions! I am seriously considering packing the whole thing up and strangling Dumbledore personally right now. So stay out of my way. Double quick. ~Severus Snape

(Professor Snape stomps off angrily to get himself a Headache Potion while Rowe scuttles out off his way fast.)'

Dear Professor Snape(Godfather),

Would you rather hurt Scarhead by hurting those closest to him or by making him believe James Potty and (not so) Sirius Black are alive and then insinuating its revenge, not actually saying it was you, of course?

Yours Cruelly,

TheSlytherinMalfoy

Dear Draco,

Hmm... a difficult choice, to be frank. But I'll use a combination of both, to attain "maximum" results.

First, I would injure Mr. Weasley and Miss insufferable know-it-all Granger the Muggle way- cut them with a small dagger, inflicting numerous small but incredibly painful wounds. Then add salt and boiling hot oil into the wounds. Make sure _dear _Potter is watching the whole scene.

After that, I would convince lovely Granger and Weasley to tell Potter that his stupid and dim-witted father (and that's an understatement) and Black are alive. It will be easy, I assure you. Threats work the best with pain. Pain is the best teacher. If the searing pain from the wounds are not enough, then _Crucio _ought to loosen their stubborn tongues.

One last thing... Fifty points to Slytherin for that beautifully wicked idea. _And if you idiot Rowe don't stop trying to _Evanesco _my words soon, I'll try this scheme on you first! And that's a promise **I will keep!** _

(Rowe scurries off fast while ducking and dodging as green jets of light whistle past him.)

Dear love,

If you had to have sex/date any Marauder, which one would you choose and why?

Peace and cookies,

YourMum

Dear dunderhead who doesn't know the meaning of a very slow and painful death,

You are not my mother. Eileen Prince died a long time ago. So I will not refer to you as such.

Don't call me your love. I have never ever loved anyone in my life. And that is not going to change any time soon.

As to your inane question, forget it. I am not even going to touch the slimy Marauders, let alone think of a romantic relationship with them. Now, if you see a man in black robes materialize from the dark, know that your death day has come. (Cackles evilly.)

~Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

Which professor do you hate the most currently and why don't you do something to them and if you do something what would you do?

Also why call the students "dunderheads" surely there is something more insulting (not to insult your intelligence or anything.)

Yours curiously,

SlytherClaw

Dear SlytherClaw

Please add a big fat 's' behind the word 'professor' in your question. And my truthful answer is all the Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers. I don't do anything to them because I will lose my job (and possibly my head too).

If I had the choice to do something to them... _yikes, this is Albus Dumbledore here. I am positively not letting what he wrote get into the school newspaper. Far too gruesome, you see..._

Damn you, Albus! Surely you didn't need to ruin my finest moment like that! (Swears angrily under his breath with a few choice vulgarities that would have made Vernon Dursley proud.)

I call the students 'dunderheads' because I do not wish to waste my precious brain cells upon them. Especially Gryffindor. They do not have a pea-sized brain between the lot of them.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape

Dear Snakeface,

VIVA LA REVOLUTIONE!

- TaG

Dear TaG,

Where did you learn Spanish? I was not aware that any students spoke Spanish... but it will help me track you down. Great.

And stop trying to make me laugh. It is an incredibly pathetic attempt. Now, leave me alone. I must prepare a torture chamber for idiots like you.

- Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I know you that you probably won't like this. But to all the writers teasing you about your hair. STUFF IT YOU IDIOTS! My Grand Dad and my uncles are ironworkers. One day one of Dad's more brain cell challenged students asked why didn't use a heating spell on the iron? I swear I can almost see you rolling your eyes at such a idiotic question. Dad explained you can't truly control a heating charm and when working with dangerously hot iron and that's why you need most control. So back off he needs to control how fast or slow the potions brew. And he has to keep you from blowing your sorr up ! I apologize if I sound like a bitchy female but I am and I'm just tired of the walking braindead making comments when they can't pass basic potions because they are afraid the heat and steam will "just ruin her hair" I overheard a Gryffindor named Lavender say that. By the way, I've got a better torture . Lockhart now has a audio charm on his books . Stick a silencing charm on the room, toss the idiot and the book in the room and walk away. Too cruel?

Dear whoever you are,

Please include your name next time. I need to give you an enormous reward for pointing out those important points that others always seem to intentionally miss.

Your dad must have incredible patience to have such lousy students who don't know an ounce of magic between them. You were perfectly right to predict me rolling my eyes.

Lavender Brown, you say? Thank you for informing me. I must quash that idea immediately. By force if necessary.

Your suggestion about torturing Lockhart is too weak. He'll probably love to hear his simpering voice for hours on end. Read the question above on what I would do to the professors I don't like to get a general idea. Hundred points to Slytherin.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Snape


End file.
